


Let Her Be

by itsleviosa



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 08:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11331831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsleviosa/pseuds/itsleviosa
Summary: “When Clarke-”“She will come to you. In every lifetime and every world, she has found you. She will find you again in this one.”“We have been together before?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.“Through many lifetimes.”orLexa dies and watches over Clarke.My summary is crap. I am aware.





	Let Her Be

**Author's Note:**

> Lexa does die in this story. In like the first paragraph. Just to be clear. We will see Clarke date other people but Clexa is the main point. It is kind of a short story after her death. They find their way back to one another. I am aware some of the police and support group parts will be incorrect. My research led to many sources that conflicted with one another. So, I decided to make it my own world. I posted this before. I have not used ao3 before so I didn't realize it used my draft date instead of my post date. 
> 
> Also, I know stories about Lexa dying are not everyone's favorite. I understand how traumatic of an event her character dying was for this fandom. I cried and screamed at my TV. But I had this story idea. It is meant to rip your heart out and have you cry along with Clarke. It was a story that buried itself in my body and screamed to be written. I love Lexa and Clarke. Their relationship helped me come out to my friends and family. 
> 
> Any mistakes are mine. I blame my public education in Alabama. I am not a great writer but I really enjoy it. That is what matters, right?

* * *

 

_Chapter One_

 

**_April 1st, 2017_ **

 

They say your life flashes before you when you die. That you will regret certain things you did or did not do. And all these people are correct.

All I feel is pain. My hands are covered with blood as I try to stop the puddle growing in the car seat.  My body burns as waves of pain extend across my thigh and left side.

_Stop the bleeding._

I could hear Clarke in the back of my mind screaming.

  _Don’t just lay there._

  _Fight._

 But I'm tired and so cold. I lick my chapped lips as I strain my hazy mind to take in anything. I was driving home. I was on the interstate and it was raining. I remember car lights coming across the median and screaming as I rolled. I told Clarke I would be home before the storm got worse. I promised a movie night.  I promised a full life together.

_I lied._

I should have told Clarke I loved her more. That my love for her and our unborn child was endless. I should have taken her dancing more. I should have kissed the ever growing bump tucked safely in Clark's abdomen more. There are so many things I wished I could have done more.  

_But I am so tired._

 I try to keep my eyes open as sleep begins to overtake me. I just wanted one more night. One more night to enjoy this life. My mind starts to bargain with any spirit listening. I will donate more to charity. I will go to whatever church you want. Just don't take me away from Clarke. Don't make her go through this life without me. I will give you anything. 

 

**_6:00_ **

My eyes snap open as I feel a tug on my wrist. It hurts as I'm pulled out the car window. I feel myself moving but see my body still leaning over the wheel. 

"Calm down." a rough voice says making sure I am stable on my feet. My eyes roam over his face and recognition finally sets in. I am looking at my dead uncle. 

"You died." I say stepping back. "You died when I was ten."

I look back to the car and realize what this means. 

"This is a hallucination. This is just a side effect of blood loss." I whisper running my hands through my loose waves. My uncle is quiet as I look towards the oncoming police lights. "I am going to go to the hospital and then go home. I refuse to die."

"Lexa, your time on this earth is up. I'm assigned to help you adjust to this new world." he says with a sad smile.

"No." I say sharply. "I am not dying here. I am going to be a mother. I made a deal with some higher being." I spin to my body and take in the view. I must be dreaming. I shake my shoulders and watch in horror as my body goes limp. I can't feel a pulse. My blood covers the car seat. That is too much for one person to lose. "Wake up." I say to myself. "Don't you dare give up on Clarke. Wake up." I feel the tears escape as I beg for anything. I would give up anything for just a flutter of a heartbeat. I shake myself harder begging for a gasp of air to appear. 

"Lexa." Uncle Gustus says pulling me back. He pulls back my shaking form as paramedics rush in. This doesn't seem real.

"This is not real." I whisper struggling to get out of his grasp. "I promised Clarke forever."

"Sometimes terrible things happen to good people." he simply says letting go of my arm. "You may never know the reason you were pulled away from her."

_This isn't real._

But yet, it is. It isn't some dream, or vision. I pinch my arm and feel a twinge of pain. 

“Am I going to stay dead?” I whisper looking down at the paramedics who are trying to revive me. 

Uncle Gustus simply nods as they look at their watch and pronounce my time of death.

I was supposed to be home by now. I had missed the last three dates with my wife due to work and I was going to make up for it tonight. I watch as the police conduct a sobriety test on the other driver. He is sober. He is sober but shaken up. I can hear him crying and whispering how sorry he is. I close my eyes and try to process what is happening. I try to understand how Clarke will now be a single mother. I try to understand why terrible things happen to good people. I want to break down and lose it. I want to destroy everything around me. I want to be alive. But I'm dead. I am dead and this cruel world will keep spinning.  

“What happens now?” I ask turning to my dead Uncle.

“You watch the ones you love try to live without you.” 

I swallow the lump forming in my throat as they discover my cell phone. I have Abby listed as my first ICE contact. Abby will find out then the information will trickle out to the veins of my family and friends.  This is something I can’t protect Clarke from. The phone is handed to another police officer who takes it to his car. I watch as he presses the screen and holds it to his cheek. His mouth moves in a series of sentences I can’t hear but he shows no emotions.

_How many times have you done this?_

_How many hearts have you broken?_

“I want to see Clarke.”

“I want to show you your new home first.” He says as the colors fade and we are in front of a different house. I take a step back and examine the exterior. It is a yellow cottage. The porch swing rocks slowly against the gentle breeze and a wind chime _pings_ every so slightly. I push the door open and take in my home. It is the exact replica of what Clarke and I drew up as our dream house. She drew up the designs and small objects she wanted around the house. I would laugh and promise her all of it. 

“This was made from your mind. Every detail is what you would have wanted.” Gustus says as I trace my finger along the staircase railing.  

“How often can I visit her?” 

“As often as you like. Keep in mind that time passes differently up here. Sometimes I will go down and only a few days have passed. Other times it is a few months.”

“Did you ever visit me?”

“Yes. I visited you many times. I was at your law school graduation and wedding as well.”

I narrow my eyes and turn to look out the back door.  “Can I visit other people who have passed? How do I visit Clarke?”

“You can visit anyone who has passed. You just focus all your thoughts on them. Sometimes what your loved ones are feeling can also be felt by you. It just depends on how intense the feeling is.”

I nod and let my eyes rake slowly over the small lake in my backyard. I can see a field of flowers in the distance and close my eyes.

“When Clarke-”

“She will come to you. In every lifetime and every world, she has found you. She will find you again in this one.”

“We have been together before?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.

“Through many lifetimes.”

"How do you know this?" 

"You come to know things up here. Change your clothes and we will check on your Clarke."

I navigate through the foreign hallways to a large bedroom. A fireplace in front of the bed makes me smile. Clarke always thought these were so romantic and she tried to convince me to buy a house on this sole purpose once. She didn't care it was an hour away from both of our places of work. Looking back, maybe I should have bought her that house. Given her one more reason to smile. My hands shake as I slide my bloody clothes to the floor and wash off the stained blood. My open wounds are now faint scars. I push through various clothes to find a long sleeve shirt and a pair of jeans that fit. It seems that a copy of my closet has made it to this world. I eye formal wear I will never put on again and various pieces of skimpy sleepwear I will not have a use for until Clarke joins me. I pray that is a long time from now. 

"I am ready." I say rounding the corner. Gustus is a tracing a finger on a picture on my mantle. I step closer to realize it is a picture from my wedding. Clarke and I stood in the middle of our friends holding sparklers. It took nearly 30 minutes but we finally got the shot. 

"You were a beautiful bride and I am sorry I left you. You were my favorite niece."

"Liar." I say rolling my eyes. "I want to see my wife."

 

The colors around us disappear and I am in my kitchen. Clarke has moved the furniture in the living room to the outside walls. She has gathered all the blankets and pillows in the house and built a nest in front of the tv. Her hair is pulled back into a messy bun and she is wearing my Yale sweatpants. Her small three- month baby bump looks more defined in her white tank top. She is scrolling through Netflix and looks so beautiful. She has my favorite wine bottle on the coffee table with one glass. She is still bitter about having to give up alcohol but doesn’t mind when I have a glass or two. A sharp knock on the door pulls us out of our trance. I am about to break her heart.

_Don’t answer it._

_Just don’t answer._

_Just pretend for a few more minutes our lives are perfect._

“You are so late. I almost started to think you had left me.” she yells opening the door to a shaken Abby.

I watch as Abby pulls her into a hug. She holds Clarke’s face as the words tumble out. She holds onto her daughter as Clarke violently shakes her head and tries to pull free. The only thing I can do is watch. Abby holds her daughter as she slides them onto the floor against the front door. Clarke cries and buries her head into her mother’s neck. One arm goes protectively around her bump. As if she may lose her last physical connection with her late wife. They only pull apart when Clarke takes off to their guest bathroom to empty her stomach. I watch as Abby pulls the loose hair strands back as her daughter falls apart on the bathroom floor.

I gasp as a deep sharp pain races across my chest.  

 

_**April 6th 2017** _  

I lay beside Clarke and watch as hot tears roll down her pale cheeks. She kept it together through the funeral a few days ago. She kept it together ever since she found out. I watched as she kept her mind busy. She busied herself with laundry, cleaning and random projects around the house.  I knew the minute she stopped moving, she would fall apart. I watched as she took care of everyone’s pain and only allowed herself to grieve for short amounts of time when she was alone. I let my tears fall freely as I listened to her cry and scream in the shower. I watched as she numbly made decisions. She had to decide the flowers, location and every single small detail. She argued with Indra fiercely about being buried or cremation. Clarke and I had discussed these choices during our life together. I feel ashamed I never let my own mother in on it. Clarke argues with fire in her eyes and I see Indra back down. 

_I never felt the flames that licked my skin._

She refused to let anyone comfort her as they drove her to pick up my ashes. She pushed her mom away at every turn and started turning her phone off regularly. Doorbells went unanswered and mail went unchecked. I ached to comfort her. I would have given her anything to let her know I will never leave her. I begged for her to allow people to help her. She had to keep living.  

Now Clarke was finally allowing herself to grieve. She had put on one of my shirts and crawled into bed last night with a trail of tears. She lay on my side trying to gather any lingering scent. Burying her nose into my pillow, she took a deep breath and let her eyes close. I take notice of how the bags under her eyes are well defined. Her normal bright face was now lifeless. I let my eyes trace over her hollow cheeks. She had lost weight and that scared me. How much could she put her body through before it gave out? She was exhausted. She was grieving. The loud rumbling of her stomach pulls the both of us from our thoughts.

“Please get up. You have to eat.” I whisper tracing a finger over her cheek. “You have to live.”

Rolling away from me, Clarke pulls herself up and lets out a sigh. She runs her hands through her greasy hair and picks up her cell phone. Her finger hovers over the screen as she lets one last tear slip through. She presses the screen and Octavia’s voice soon filled the room.

“Are you okay?”

“That is a loaded question, Octavia.” Clarke whispers as more tears start to fall.

“I know. Can I do anything?”

“If I order some Mexican will you pick it up and eat dinner with me? I am not ready to go there without her.” Clarke says tracing circles over the small bump. I let out a laugh. The only thing Clarke has been craving is Mexican. She wants tacos and rice all hours of the day.

 

_“Clarke, we have literally had Mexican for four nights in a row.” I said as she pulled in front of our favorite Mexican place._

_“Lexa, look at me.” Clarke grabbed my chin. “I pee at least every thirty minutes. I throw up every morning. I have given up coffee. Coffee, Lexa. I am carrying our love goblin. I want some damn Mexican rice.”_

_She wiggled closer and pulled me in for a deep kiss. Moving to my neck, she smiled as I let out a low moan._

_“Let me go in and place a to go order. Then we can go home and eat whatever else we want.” she whispered slipping a hand into the front of my dress pants. I let out a loud moan as she traced circles through my underwear. "Tonight. I want all of you."_

_I never complained about how much Mexican she wanted after that night._

 

Clarke pushes the rice around on her plate and eyes Octavia. The tension is thick and stuffy as Octavia keeps checking how much food Clarke is eating. 

“I know you want to say something.” Clarke says dropping the fork. 

“You need to eat more. You have lost weight and that can't be good for the baby. Let us help you. We can take you to your appointments and have you over for dinner on a weekly basis. You have to keep living.”

Octavia is just trying to help. But it burns. It rips my heart in two to watch the person I love more than anything else in the world to have to feel this pain. I know my death has left a giant hole in this household. One that could never be filled. 

“It has not even been a week. Leave me alone.” Clarke whispers pushing her plate away and heading towards the bedroom. She slams the bedroom door making us both jump.

 

 

**May 2017**

It has been a month. I check on my loved ones every day. I watch as my family deals with their grief in their own ways. Lincoln and Octavia make it a point to tell each other how much they love one another at least once a day. Anya finds comfort in Raven’s arms. My adoptive mother, Indra, takes up kickboxing. Her response is physical while my adoptive father, Titus, goes back to school. He takes random colleges classes to keep his mind off my death for just a few hours a day. They are moving on. 

My child continues to grow not aware of the harsh world outside its mother’s womb.

Life goes on.

People keep living.

Living in a world I am no longer a part of.

Clarke must keep moving. She has to go back to work. It burns as I watch her coworkers walk on eggshells around her. They are unsure of how to act and comfort someone who is always the strongest. I watch as Clarke and Abby snap at one another. Abby begs Clarke to take time off, go to a support group and take a step back from surgeries.

“I have to work. I have to keep myself busy.” Clarke shoots back.

“You aren’t sleeping. Clarke, you barely eat. You are putting that baby and yourself on dangerous ground. You will not have OR privileges until I see some improvement.”

I see fire in Clarke’s eyes.

She is pissed.

“I will pull rank. I am on the board. I will not allow you in this hospital if I have to.” Abby says chest heaving.

“Screw you.”

“Don’t make me do it, Clarke. Go to a support group, let Raven take you out for dinner or shopping. Show me you are trying and I won’t bring you in front of the board. The hardest thing in life is to live, so live for her. For both of them.”

 

The first support group is in the basement of a church. Clarke paces back and forth in front of the church. She eyes the elderly people walking in and she heads to the alley to throw up. The second one is across town. It is in a small back room of a coffee shop and Clarke finds a spot next to another young blonde. Her legs tremble as more people start to enter. I see the panic rise in her eyes and she wants to bolt. "Is this your first time?" the blonde asks beside her. 

"Yes." Clarke says simply. She lets the conversation drop and watches the other people mill around. Her eyes move around the room and catch the plate of brownies. She has not eaten as much as I would like her to. But right now, the baby wants those brownies and she can't fight our baby anymore. 

“No one will blame you.” the blonde says leaning forward. “You are growing a human.”

I see a battle take place and the baby clearly wins when Clarke bolts and grabs two. Taking a bite, her moans grab the attention of the room.

“She’s pregnant. Leave her alone.” the blonde says daring anyone to speak up.

People tell their story. Tales of hurt, anger and loss. Some knew their partner a few years while others had spent what seemed like lifetimes. None were pregnant. The blonde introduces herself as Niylah and tells of how she is still trying to cope with losing her wife. They were together since high school and when she died three years ago of cancer, Niylah broke. She fell into a deep depression, lost her job, lost her friends and lost herself. 

“Anyone else?”

_Speak._

_Please learn to let others help you._

A beat of silence.

“I was told I had to come to a support group to get my OR privileges back.” Clarke starts tracing circles over her growing bump.

“We don’t ask you to talk about anything you aren’t ready for.” the leader says with a soft smile.

Clarke ignores her.

“Car accident. A car accident out of all the things. We meet in junior high. I was the overachiever and she was the same. We hated each other and went head to head in every class. Then freshman year, I grabbed her neck and made her kiss me. We broke up and got back together more times to count. Stupid high school drama. She got into Yale and I went to NYU. We made it work through law and medical school. We married when she got done with law school. 

A silence fell over the room as Clarke licked her chapped her lips.

“We moved to Seattle when she got a job and my residency located me here. Now, I am a pregnant widow.”

“How are you been dealing?” a voice asks from the other side. 

“I’m not. That is why I am here.”

“What was she like?” Niylah asks squeezing her hand.

“She was home.”

“What was her name?”

“Alexandria Nicole Griffin-Woods. I am the Griffin part of her name.”

“You are not alone.” the leader said throwing her another small smile.  “Please come back.”

And she does. She talks of the pain and emptiness filling the cracks of the house. Talks of their child growing up with one mother and of how sometimes it is just too hard to leave the house.

How it is just too hard to live.

I pray for her pain to end. 

I watch as May brings small changes. With the encouragement of the support group, Clarke allows the people around her to help. She has dinner every Friday at Octavia’s and allows her mother to take some of her workload. Raven takes her shopping. "You need maternity clothes. "Your pants won't fit in a few weeks." Raven says pulling them into a store. Indra buys her some essential oils and a diffuser to help bring sleep. These things combined help. The deep bags under her eyes slowly fade and she allows herself to let out a small laugh every now and then. She is trying and that is all I could ever hope for. 

 

 

**June 2017**

A deep pain races across my chest drawing me out of a daydream.

_Clarke_  

The walls of the cottage wash away as harsh white hospital walls take shape. I see Clarke with her shirt pulled up on a table. She is staring hard at the chair beside her. The chair I should be sitting in. She stares as if I will appear out of thin air and make her pain go away. I see one tear escape as a nurse places the cold wand on her stomach.

“Let’s see how the baby is today.” she says as Clarke pulls out of her thoughts and gives a small smile. “Do you want to know the sex?”

“I’ll wait until I am ready.”

“We can try again next time when your husband or wife is here.” the nurse says squeezing her hand.

_She must be new._

I don’t see or hear anything else as the nurse tries to get another view of the baby. The last time we were here our child was so small. It almost didn’t seem real but now it comes crashing down. This child will never actually know me. Never feel my kisses or hear my laugh. Never feel the endless amount of love I have to give. I want to both never return and never leave this Earth again.

I see Clarke close her eyes and take a deep breath. “Yeah, she had to work today.” Clarke lies with a small smile. She twists her wedding ring and takes a few calming breaths. I know Clarke still has trouble actually saying it out loud. There is a lot Clarke still has trouble doing. 

_I am so sorry_

When you are dead, you don’t have to sleep or eat. You can to pass the time but it is not necessary. When Clarke sleeps, I visit my other family and friends both on Earth and in their personal heaven.  I visit Jake and get introduced to Clarke's grandparents. I hear stories about Clarke as a child. I visit deceased members of my own family. I hear stories about myself as a child. I tell of how we fell in love and how we have child on the way. I tell of my court cases and how I was a force in the courtroom. I brag about Clarke saving lives while I just read through paperwork.

 

“Does it get easier?” I ask Uncle Gustus one day. I watch as a pair of ducks take off from my backyard.

“A bit. Stay up here for a day or two. Clear your head and let yourself breath.”

I close my eyes and let myself relax for the first time in weeks. The next day I read to fill my time. My office was filled with books I never got around to read. But now I had forever.

_I’ll go back tomorrow_

The next morning, I open my eyes and found myself back in my bedroom.

I hear laughter and a small squeal from the hallway. Clarke was laughing. It was music to my ears.   Rounding the corner, I see Raven and Octavia painting the nursery walls while Lincoln put together what looked to be a crib. Clarke was sitting in a rocking chair with her hands over her lower stomach. She looked bigger.

“Just three more months.” Raven whispered placing a hand on Clarke's belly.

_How is it July?_

_A month had passed?_

_What did I miss?_

“Yep. Then this little one is here” Clarke says 

“Do we get a name?” Raven asked with a raised eyebrow 

“Lexa and I never got around to picking one. I am going to consider some tonight.” Clarke says with a small smile.

_I have one written down._

_Has Clarke not gone through my things?_

I wanted to scream and shake her. For months, she had not gone through my paperwork. Had not checked into life insurance or my bank accounts. What had she been doing? I knew the answer to that. She had been grieving. It was extra work to pry herself out of bed to keep living without me. She went to support groups and prayed for the pain to end. She had to keep moving despite her world almost coming to an end.

“We both know Lexa started making a list once both of you started trying. Have you gone through her office?” Octavia said dipping the brush into more yellow paint.

“No.” Clarke says simply shaking her head. “I am going to. I just need to do it alone.”

I watch as Raven pulls Clarke into a tight hug. Backing out of the room, I take a deep breath and calm my nerves.  I make my way into the bedroom and find all clothes still hanging up, my bedside table still untouched. Almost as if I had gone to work for the day. My side of the bathroom sink was still the same. Clarke had not thrown anything away. Even the stain of foundation on the wall was still there.  The only thing that was different was a little pink shirt hanging on my towel rack

_My mommies love me_

_A pink shirt._

“Oh my god.” I whisper a hand coming over my mouth.

_I was going to have daughter._

_Why had I not felt it when Clarke found out?_

I heard the front door shut and I had to get Clarke to find my notebook. I needed her to read the name I fell in love with. The name I had constructed days before my death. Coming around the corner she was standing outside of my office. Clarke was battling her inner demons. I watch as she closes her eyes and tries to fight the tears. Out of all the rooms, this was the hardest. My office was where we hung up our degrees and celebrated with a bottle of wine. Where she would sketch for hours as I poured over case files. Where our most vicious fights started and ended. Where we decided to expand our family and where Clarke told me of our most precious gift.

 

_The grandfather clock in our hall struck midnight nearly half an hour ago and I still was not anywhere near done. I promised Clarke an early night and here I was. Scanning each piece of evidence over and over. I had nothing for my client. A client I was meeting with in eight hours. I had no break and an innocent man might go to jail. My eyes catch a glimpse of a white lace nightgown as a sharp knock pulls me from my thoughts._ _Clarke is in the doorway holding two glasses of wine and a small smirk. "You promised you would be in bed before midnight. It is now 12:25 and you are still in here."_

_"I have to finish this. I am meeting with a client in the morning and I haven't made a break yet. Tomorrow, I promise to-"_

_"I want tonight." she cuts me off sharply. I watch as she comes to stand between me and my desk. "If you can't see it, it doesn't exist."_

_"It doesn't work like that." I say as she hands me a glass. "What are we drinking for?"_

_"You are drinking. I am having apple juice."_

_"Trying to get me drunk?" I ask raising an eyebrow. "Are you trying to take advantage of me?"_

_"No, I am trying to grow us a new member of this family." she says as I choke on my wine. Did I hear that right? All I ever wanted was a family to call my own. Indra and Titus loved me and accepted me into their family. But starting my own with the woman of my dreams was a whole different level. I tried to form words. Tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat, but all I could do was open and close my mouth like a fish gasping for air. My eyes grazed over her smiling face and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I feel the tears start to fall and I lose it. I bury my face in her stomach and softly the kiss the nonexistent bump._

_"Why are you crying?" Clarke says with a bit of panic in her voice. "I thought you wanted this."_

_I can't find the words to say as the lump in my throat grows. A fresh wave of tears surface as I pull back.  "I love you so much." I manage to whisper. "I am gonna be a mom?"_

_Clarke shakes her head pulling me into her arms._

_"Thank you." I mumble into the nook of her neck. "Thank you."_

 

"Please go inside, Clarke" I say into the air. 

_Go Inside._

_Please._

Swallowing a lump, Clarke pushes the door open. Her eyes scanning the untouched office. Not looking at anything else, she walks towards the safe and enters the combination I had drilled into her mind.

 

_“What is my safe code?”_

_“Why are you making me learn this? Nothing is going to happen to you.”_

_“Clarke.”_

_“It is my birthday. 1027. You keep every important piece of paper in there. If anything should happen to you, I go through everything in there. And throw away all of your coke."_

_"Clarke, I don't have coke."_

_"Your loss."_

 

I watch as Clarke pulls out my death certificate, two accordion folders and a small notebook.

_That’s it love_.

Clarke takes a deep breath and opens the notebook. The first pages are just general information. Bank account numbers, passwords to my computer and information about a secret account I had started the minute Clarke said she wanted a family.

 

_Dear Clarke,_

_If you are reading this, then something has happened to me. I hope it is when we are old and grey. But if for some reason I have been taken away from you, this notebook has all my information. I have included bank account numbers, passwords to every device and information about a trust fund. This trust was created the minute we decided to try to start a family._

_All my love,_

_Lexa_

 

I watch as Clarke lets the tears start to fall.

_Keep reading._

“Elizabeth Grace Griffin-Woods.” Clarke reads narrowing her eyes.

_Oh, please like it._

“Elizabeth Grace Griffin-Woods.” Clarke says more slowly letting each letter roll off her tongue.

She scans the room and bites her lip.  “Elizabeth Alexandria Griffin-Woods.”

_Don’t name her after me._

_Damn you Griffin_

“She would kick my ass if she knew I was considering naming you after her.” Clarke laughs rubbing her belly. “But you are half of her.”

 

 

_“My doctor wants to try a new technique.” I hear Clarke say over a steaming bowl of pasta._

_“Regarding?”_

_“Pregnancy. There is a way for the baby to have both of our DNA. I would supply the egg and we would use your DNA to create artificial sperm.”_

_I raise my eyebrow and take this in. I have never heard of this before._

_Clarke can sense of hesitation. “It is still new but I thought why not? We could certainly just try and see how it goes. I have done tons of research and I can present it to you._

_“In a PowerPoint presentation?” I say with a smirk._

_“I will even wear a tight skirt and include inappropriate sexual jokes.” she says sliding into my lap with her back against the dinner table. “And after you can bend me over the table and tell me what I can do to improve.”_

_I roll my eyes and push my dinner to the side._ _She squeals as I push her up to the table and push my hands under her shirt._

_“Dinner will get cold.” she says as I kiss my way down her neck pushing her button up off her._

_“We have a microwave.”_

 

 

That night I watch as Clarke sleeps and notice as a grimace spreads across her face. Her left hand rubs the bump. I place my hand beside hers and feel a small, hard kick.

“Hey.” I whisper feeling another hard kick. Glancing up at Clarke, I see her grimace in pain again.

“Calm down. Don’t wake up your mom.” I whisper hovering my hand over the bump again. “Let her be.”

I smile as the hard kicks soften.

“There you go.”

 

It is the last day of July and my living room is covered in pink. I can see the panic rising in Clarke's eyes as Raven pulls out more pink streamers. I grimace as I can see the battle forming. Clarke wants to argue, protest and beg for Raven to tone it down. But how can see? Raven and Octavia have held her hand through everything these past few months. From getting Elizabeth's room ready, to make sure Clarke had food in the fridge and even sleeping over.

"Raven, this is too much pink." Abby says rounding the corner. "I appreciate what you are doing but we need to lose some things."

Clarke throws her a smile and wraps her robe tighter around her. "I do appreciate it. I just think it is a bit much." 

"Yeah, I overdid it." Raven says with a with smile. "Anya, lose some pink. We are gonna nick the rest of streamers."

"Rest of the Streamers?" Clarke whispers turning back to our room. She shuts the door behind her and slides down the wall. This should be a wonderful day, this should be a day for the both of us. Both of us celebrating the new life we made but instead, instead it is a day Clarke has to suffer though alone. I see her start to fall apart as the bedroom door opens. She tries to move, tries to hide her tear streaked face but Abby catches it. Her mother will always catch it. 

"Let it out." she says pulling Clarke into her arms. "You are okay."

Abby holds her as Clarke's muffled screams echo in my chest. It takes a few minutes for her to come down and let her mom pull away. "We can cancel this. We can have a movie night and curl up on the couch."

 "No, Raven and Octavia put too much into this." Clarke whispers running her shaking hands through her hair. "I am going to shower and change. Just give me an hour, but if it gets too much, will-"

"I will go into mother mode." Abby says kissing her forehead. "I will kick everyone out."

I listen to her muffled screams in the shower as my own pierce the bedroom.

 

I watch as my living room fills up with baby gifts. People give Clarke more than she asked for and we all know why. The stacks of diapers take up a corner of the living room and I feel a sense of pride. Our loved ones are taking care of her. They are doing what I can't. I am knocked out of my thoughts as a voice rounds the corner. It is Niylah. I eye her as she explains she basket is from everyone at the group, but she offered to drop it off. She squeezes Clarke's hand and starts to head out. 

"Wait, at least stay for a cupcake? You drove all this way." Clarke says head titling to the table overflowing with food. 

"Who is she?" Octavia asks as Niylah introduces herself to our friends. 

"A friend. She lost her wife three years ago and she understands what I am going through. I text her when things get to be too much. Nothing more. I lost my wife a few months ago. I am not capable of moving on anytime soon." Clarke explains. I see how it is hard for our friends to understand Yes, they have lost loved ones, but not one has lost a husband or wife. Not one has loved the way we have. She needs someone who knows the pain of just breathing. 

I watch as Clarke pulls out gift after gift. Elizabeth already has too many outfits, toys and stuffed animals. There is no way all this will fit in her room. Clarke smiles and laughs her way through the shower. It is a series of small smiles and light laughs. Just enough to convince people she is getting there. Octavia and Raven give her a small kiss on the temple as they escort people out and start to clean. I take my time leaving. I look through all the outfits our daughter will be decked out in. I try to calculate the amount of diapers she has versus how many she will need. I see Abby escort Octavia and Raven out as she holds up a grey box. They cover their mouths and pull her into a hug. 

_What is in the box?_

"This is from Lexa." Abby says as she kneels in front of Clarke.  "It arrived at my doorstep a few weeks after she passed. I assumed it was for this shower." 

A wave of pain rushes through me. I am not sure if it is my own or Clarke's. The day I died, I had emailed a copy of our child's first heartbeat sound wave to friend. They had engraved it onto a tag and made her a bracelet. In the mist of all my anger, pain and grief, I forgot. I see Clarke eye the box. She is unsure. If she opens it, it is the last thing from me she will ever receive. Her shaking hands unwrap it slowly and she brings it into the light. I see her narrow her eyes. 

_You know what this it._

_We listened to this over and over in the car._

"What is this?" Clarke whispers tracing her finger over it. She flips the tag over and finds another engraving. 

_To our new adventure._

_"_ Oh my god." she says as it clicks.  She struggles to put it on. Her shaking hands drop the bracelet repeatedly. It takes Abby's stable hands to calm Clarke down. "It is Elizabeth's heartbeat. It is the first time we heard it. They gave us a recording of it. We listened to it the whole way home."

 She smiles this time. 

A smile that reaches her blue eyes. 

 

**August 2017**

A series of loud deep laughs whispers through my cottage. My walls wash away and I find Raven and Octavia on the floor in a pile of giggles. I can only guess they attempted to recreate the final dance number for the fourth time. The credits play as my wife laughs.

 

Really laughing. 

 

Head thrown back, arms around stomach kind of laughing. 

 

I feel a pull as my eyes wonder over the room. I see small things have changed. A picture moved, a new chair in the corner and a baby stroller box by the hallway. I glance back at Clarke and make my way through the rest of the house. I feel a pain in my chest when I see my side of the bathroom had been cleaned out. My toothbrush was thrown away and my messy side of the cabinet was now clear. But Clarke had to move on. She had to keep living.  I smile when I find a small picture frame around my foundation stain. My closet still held onto my belongings. Shirts still pressed waiting for another day at the office, heels waiting for a date night that would never come. I run my fingers over the clothes when a small sparkle in the sun's rays catches my attention. There is a small silver chain hanging up in the back of the closet with two rings on them. My engagement and wedding ring. In the panic, hurt and anger with my death, I never realized they never came with me to the after world. Clarke had them hanging up where she could see them every morning. A small sob escapes my throat and I journey down the hall. The door to my office is still shut. Clarke had yet to touch it after going through my safe. Small steps. A smile grows across my face as I head to the nursery. The walls are light yellow with small elephants dancing around the walls. I find the closet to be filled with green, pink and blue clothes. My fingers brush over the changing table and stop when I hit the book shelve. Clarke has already gathered enough children's books to fill a library. But what stops me in my tracks is a simple frame.  It was a picture of Clarke and I on our wedding day.  

 

_“I requested your favorite song.” I whispered in Clarke’s ear as she took another sip of wine. Our wedding was coming to an end, but I refused to leave until Clarke got to dance to her favorite song._

_She threw me a smirk and grabbed my hand to pull me in the middle of the dancing crowd._

_“I got my first real six -string.” she yelled as Octavia held out a tambourine._ _“Bought it at the five- and -dime”_

_“Where in the hell did you get a tambourine?” I asked as Octavia shrugged._

_“Found it in a closet. Figured she could use it.”_

_"What were you doing going through closets?"_

_"Um, I had to make out with my husband. This closet was the closest."_

_I tried to stop rolling my eyes as Clarke shook the tambourine completely out of sync._

_“You are terrible at keeping a beat.” I said pulling her closer._

_“Twirl me.” she laughed grabbing my face and kissing me. “Twirl me and don’t ever let me go.”_

_That is the moment I have burned into my brain. The moment I knew hands down I would give anything and everything up for this woman. I hold my arm up and let her twirl as she shakes the tambourine. I see a flash and know that will be the best picture we will ever take._

 

I run my finger over the picture and slink down against the wall. I let the sobs overtake me. 

September chases August away with strong storms. Clarke's belly grows and so does her anger towards bed rest. I feel a bite of pain as she cries over everyday things. Things I should be there for. I see her struggle to put on shoes and eventually give up slipping on sandals. I see her rub and whisper words of love to our unborn child. I hear her talk to me. She tells me of her day and how she is struggling. She is struggling, but she is trying. I see her cry as she craves milkshakes at two A.M. I should be the one to run out and get a chocolate milkshake. But I'm not. I can only sit and curse the heavens.  

It is the middle of September and I jerk awake as a sharp pain races through my side. It is a dull ache but I know what it is. My walls wash away to our bedroom. Clarke is sitting up in bed, her hands twisting the sheets in pain. She shouldn't be alone. She should be with someone. I watch as she dials her mother. She is scared but will never admit it. I place a hand on her belly and pray.

 

_Let her be safe._

  
_Both of them._

**Author's Note:**

> I am new to the tumblr and Clexa world. However, if you wish to join me please do!  
> I made a few moodboards for this story because work is slow and I love creating things. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/itsmycatsworldijustliveintit


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